my life

mucako @ 2007-05-03T09:00:00

2007-05-03T13:01:16Z

if I do not get the shit beaten out of me soon, I am going to explode, and all this self destructiveness is going to piss everybody off and ruin my life again. is there anyone out there who can beat me up? Meet up for a beat up? ha

mucako @ 2007-04-04T20:14:00

2007-04-05T00:16:04Z

i was going to post something moving and profound and wonderful and terrible about my life, but having the experience has been and continues to be too exhausting. but i love you all. I could use some hanging-out ness if anyone wants to

I need a reeses peanut butter cup and a hug from my grandpa

2007-04-02T01:03:25Z

so, I'm completely starving, and yet cannot muster myself to make food. I don't even want to eat food. Nothing sounds good. This does not bode well as a meter for my mental health.

On a lighter note, I LOVED my job today. I was opening boxes of crap and the wind was blowing through and all I could smell were pansies and all I could hear were windchimes. For hours. it was beautiful.

I kinda hate myself today though, for being a wus and a pushover. If I wasn't, I'd be a lot LOT happier. I'm feeling pretty bottom of the food chain in the "I need someone to take care of me because I make poor life decisions on purpose" kind of way. Because I DO make poor life decisions ON PURPOSE, because I feel like the way I want things to work WILL work if I try hard enough. I blame it on Disney and being American. And myself mostly. I'm a romantic and a dreamer and fuck reality it will be the way I want it to be. Unfortunately this is not true, but I am also stubborn, and need it beaten out of me. So I go from romantic to half romantic half jaded realist to completely way too real and depressed. If only I could use all those emotional states to my advantage without needed to BE in all of them over a period of years before I do anything about my life. I guess it is sheer stubbornness. I REFUSE to give up on what I want, so I perpetuate in misery until I cannot psychologically handle it any more. I guess I'm just stubborn and stupid. Or maybe I'm really just very very afraid and insecure. Maybe it is all these things. I wish I could turn all my emotions into some great scream or a song that makes everyone cry and laugh, or a dance that holds the world enraptured while I dance it, so people actually get it. But I am not so talented, and not so creative as all that.

when I was doing homework at my grandpas house as a high schooler, I'd always get so frustrated with math that I couldn't even function anymore. My grandpa would always know exactly when that happened, even though he'd be in the next room. When that happened he'd bring me a reeses peanut butter cup, just one, and tell me to close the book and eat my chocolate and take a break for 5 or 10 minutes. it always worked. I need to find an equivalent for life. Where is there a reeses peanut butter cup big enough, and how do you close the book for 10 minutes?

agh

2007-03-28T00:25:51Z

I am feeling thwarted and frustrated and grumpy. I don't know how to fix it, i think it is unfixable. maybe i just need a nap

OMG SUNNY!

2007-03-22T23:18:34Z

SO, I worked, i repeat, WORKED, all day outside in the sun. it was awesome! OH! and i had the coolest dream I've ever had last night. will tell later!

blah

2007-03-18T23:46:26Z

i am getting sick-like. with the un-fun coughyness. but other than that today was pretty good. 2 people i really needed to see came over, it was good. I got my apartment clean. that is VERY good. tomorrow I go in for my employee review at work. we shall see exactly HOW bad I pissed somebody off. hopefully it doesn't make me cry. ! um, other than that, not much new. I'm going to go to sleep now, I'm tired and sickish. goodnight!

okay - life update

2007-03-16T12:42:06Z

My life is kinda sucky right now, but not really. It's just decidedly NORMAL, and stalled there, and I can't seem to bring myself around to change it. I'm broke, nothing new, but starting to get out of the hole for the first time ever. I need a new job, that search starts in earnest today with the aid of the interweb. I've lost contact with a lot of friends, which sucks, because I could really use them right now. My man situation is completely screwed up and the only way out of it is extreme emotional trauma, which i do not feel equipped to deal with right now, so I am going to just wait and deal with the little emotional traumas that happen all the time until I feel like I can deal with this situation without ending up in a psych ward. Most people wont be able to see whats going to happen because most people don't know what the hell is going on in my life, so be prepared for a surprise when it does happen, and no I'm not telling.

-rant warning-

Haven and company seem to have forgotten that I existed, I've been out there a couple of times and given them my phone number and offered to take them out to dinner or have them over. So far complete silence. They want me to come and see them maybe? but I can't go over there unless I want to sword fight, which I do, but I can't sword fight unless I pay for it, which I can't. So basically I don't have enough money to be their friend, and that really hurt deep deep down somewhere. I hear about events after they've happened or not at all, and I'm apparently officially out of the Family, which hurts and pisses me off a lot. they could have at least talked to me about it. feeling betrayed by the whole lot of them. okay, i just needed to get that out there.

my apartment is cool, but kinda smallish, but I like it anyway. My lease is up in July, and come then I have no info for you on what is going to happen to me. I am desperately tired of being amazingly destitute. NEED a new job.

On the plus side I have a gorgeous 8 month old nephew who is the smartest cutest most amazing thing alive. He is awesome.

realizing how depressed i have been/am. its really deeply disturbing and highly sneaky. don't know what to do about it. feeling despair about ever being really happy again.

dance is good. I go to class today. it is a good thing for me to teach dance.

I guess thats about it for mow. if you hear of any decent paying jobs, PLEASE let me know (at least 12 an hour would be great)

love you all!

sup people! I am NOT a gypsy anymore!

2007-03-15T16:59:27Z

hey! i have internet now! woo hoo! I am SO excited.

stuff and stuff

2007-02-23T21:54:21Z

i am trying to decide major life changing decision right now. pray for me. please. and look for jobs for me. ? I need some change in my life!!!

mucako @ 2007-02-07T19:20:00

2007-02-08T00:20:46Z

I make a poor gypsy, but i am still a gypsy

no car

2006-12-28T13:13:12Z

my car has blown a head gasket or cracked a cylinder. this is sucky. now i have no internet AND no car. But people are taking care of me, so one or the other or both will probably be fixed soon. :) thank you. you know who you are.

poverty

2006-11-21T23:36:59Z

poverty sucks! so does the fact that everyone I know is broke too! There are SOOOO many things I would LOVE to do. Someday...ha! although I Did buy a lotto ticket yesterday. Thanksgiving is coming and I have to eat a lot. MMMmm. poor poor tummy. yay!

mucako @ 2006-11-20T09:13:00

2006-11-20T13:13:24Z

Hey Kids. Things are going well on the Mucako front. Still the internet gypsey at work. Hopefully this week doesn't break my bank too much. Having some significant asthma issues today though. But we 100 christmas trees in, so I should be kept busy. I think I need to go, the boss lady just got here. She's on time! (for once). ha

mucako @ 2006-11-01T10:27:00

2006-11-01T14:27:14Z

okay, let me clarify. I am coming out as Bi. Most of you probably had an inkling anyway, if you didn't, here you go. I like men. And women. I've never had to pick up guys because they've always come to me. I've been having a little bit of an issue getting a girl though. it's been suprisingly difficult, but at the same time its not suprising at all. This may sound sordid and evil to you, but I want a guy and a girl, both, at the same time. A girlfriend and a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend, but I'm having trouble getting a girlfriend too, but then again, I think I would be having trouble getting a girlfriend even if I didnt have a boyfriend, I just don't know where to go to hang out with people who are open to that. no, NOT a bar. I've been to gay bars and they are filled with men and men and more men and one or two really butch lesbians and that's just not my thing. I've got to run, the manager on duty this morning just came in. I'll try to add more later.

coming out

2006-10-30T21:48:41Z

so...how exactly does a girl pick up chicks?

mucako @ 2006-10-11T21:27:00

2006-10-11T21:28:17Z

still an internet gypsy. still alive. have rant, will write later

missed LJ

2006-10-01T19:19:38Z

I've missed all you people! I am hoping to have internet and cable come january, but until then I am an internet gypsy. so i have to go, because I am on the clock!

mucako @ 2006-09-30T17:06:00

2006-09-30T21:06:31Z

holy crap! I'm not dead! post more soon!

holy cats

2006-07-18T15:11:56Z

its been a while. i am now a card-carrying library member...so now I can post! life is good! I have a boat gotten for the price of driving up north to get it. it is almost water ready. it is sweet. my step brother is getting married this weekend, so I shall be at my parents house, so all you who know where that is should call me! other than that, I have been doing a lot of working and not enough of getting paid, so I have to go get another job to supplement. **sigh** hopefully only for a little while. but i gotta run! have fun kids.

i still live!

2006-06-27T19:10:31Z

I live! and well. I am at my parents house, so still no internet. **sad** but! my phone number is the same and my address is not. I've been doing a lot of working and partying (not bad!) and in general having fun. Once I get my finances straightened around it looks like I will be able to afford internet...but not for a couple of months. I am an Aunt, it is awesome! my nephew is Jude Francis, and he is awesome. I guess thats about it. call me!

farewell

2006-06-09T06:26:53Z

well kids, I'm officially off the grid until i can find a way to pay for internet or borrow it from my friendly apartment complex neighbors. I could use good thoughts/prayers/well wishes (so could R), this whole life-fixing is rounding out to be a very difficult thing to do. so if you want to get in touch with me use the cell-o-ma-phone, and maybe/hopefully I'll be back soon. bye

mucako @ 2006-06-06T14:36:00

2006-06-06T18:44:19Z

soo! with the moving. I am getting a pickup from work at about noonish on Friday, I suspect I will start moving then. if you are available to help, and want to do so, that would be awesome, just give me a call. if you can't, or dont want to, then nevermind and thanks anyway. I am sorry I have no great feast to offer people after the move, but maybe I could spring for some pop and pizza....spectacular I know. I've got at least one burly man helping, probably two, and I dont have too much crap, it is just that books are heavy. other than that, I think I will be okay. but either way, if people dont want to help with the move but want to go out afterwards for some booze and celebrating, everyone is invited. I'll figure out a spot unless someone has a preference. let me know kids! :) (p.s. I am excited)

mucako @ 2006-06-04T10:24:00

2006-06-04T14:28:47Z

dance recital went well. I danced, my kids danced, no one messed up horribly. no one really messed up at all. it was good. I even got to play peter's djembe, and it was fun. now I have 6 days to get ready to move. eek. when this whole moving thing is done, I think I am going to sleep for an entire day. by the way, if anyone wants to help me move, I think mayhaps I could really use the help. I am moving on the 9th. in the evening. (I have to work that day...stupid boss) anyway, post and let me know if you can help. thnx!

mucako @ 2006-06-02T21:35:00

2006-06-03T01:36:36Z

i am absofuckinglutely terrified of the plan of action for my life.

mucako @ 2006-06-02T06:18:00

2006-06-02T10:19:31Z

if I was a mcdonald's sandwich, right now I'd be a McTired.